Deepest Grief

Mengapa terjadi, kepada dirimu

Aku tak percaya kau telah tiada...

As I was getting ready to go to work today, I saw my Dad reading the newspaper at our dining area. I tanya dia, dia tak pergi checkup ke, since my Mom pergi for hers today. He said no, just Mom. He just came back from sending my Mom. At that moment his cellphone rang. When he uttered the word Innalillahi Wainnailaihirojiun, I started to stare at him. His expression has changed completely. The next thing he said "tak payahlah pangil doktor. report polis aje. sakit tua". Just as he was hanging up, I fired a question to him. "Siapa meninggal?" He looked at me for a moment, speechless. Then he said "Tok Abah dah meninggal". His father. My grandfather.

The next thing I know was, I made several calls to my siblings, went to office and applied for compassionate leave, went to florist get some flowers and rushed to Skudai with my brother and sister. Upon arrival, jenazah Tok Abah dah diangkat ke tengah rumah. Orang dah mula datang berziarah. My father's siblings were mostly on their way from KL. Arrangements were made and the pengebumian was to be done after Zohor prayers.

My Tok Abah was an imam for masjid Kampung Melayu Skudai, Batu 10 for years and years. According to my grandmother, he passed away in his sleep, during bersahur time. Sebab, sebelum bersahur, Tok Mak lihat dia still breathing... come morning bila Tok Mak went to check on him, dia dah tak bernafas lagi. That was when my grandmother called my uncle and he, in turn called my Dad.

Tok Abah has been unconscious since 3-4 days before. Sebelum tu alhamdulillah, boleh duduk, berbual, naik wheel chair, berselera makan. He has been that way for about a year. Kalau tak silap, dia ada lung complication. And Gout. He used to be hospitalised last year. But since 3-4 days before passing, dia sudah terbaring, tak mahu makan, tak sedar, hanya jarinya bergerak-gerak membilang zikir. Cuma sekali, dia bertanya pada Tok Mak, katanya, agak-agak, berapa orang boleh sembahyang dalam rumah kita ni? He knew.

Yang berziarah datang tak henti-henti. One lady came to my grandma and offered condolences. Paling sedih bila nak balik, the lady couldnt refrain herself from sobbing. She said... "saya belajar mengaji dengan pak imam sampai saya pandai..." I had tears in my eyes.

When my father, as his eldest son, beri ucapan selepas solat jenazah di rumah, I feel like my heart being ripped. He cried. He couldnt bring himself to deliver whatever he wanted to say. Banyak kali, okay. Bukan sekali.

Macamanapun, pengurusan dan pengebumian berjalan dengan lancar. Jenazah disembahyangkan dua kali, di rumah dan di masjid. Bacaan talkin disempurnakan oleh seorang tokoh agama tempatan. Tok Abah memang pernah berpesan, jika dia meninggal, dia mahu jenazahnya diuruskan oleh orang berkenaan. Alhamdulillah, harapannya telah ditunaikan.

Semoga Allah Taala mengampunkan dosa-dosanya, dan menempatkan dia di kalangan mereka yang dikasihiNya, Insya Allah. Dijemput pergi pun pada bulan Ramadhan. Betapa Allah menyayangi dirinya.... Al-Fatihah.

Deepest Grief

My grandmother, my mother's mother, passed away at about 5:15 p.m. on the Ramadhan Eve, on August 31, 2008. On our Merdeka Day. In her final moments, my parents, my sister and myself were present. It was quite fast. She has been ill for quite some time, suffering from a serious cough. On that day, when the doctor came, she was still responding. The doctor then decided to transfer her to the hospital immediately for strict monitoring before she left at about 5:05 p.m. The assistants were preparing Grandma to be taken to hospital when it happened.

She was laid to rest at the Mahmoodiah Cemetery in this city on 1st Ramadhan (September 1, 2008), where her second son was laid to rest many years ago. It was a rainy day, but the rain miraculously stopped completely when she was taken to her final resting place, and during the funeral. On our way home, it began to rain again. It was as if the rain stopped to give way for us to pay our last respect to her.

Alhamdulillah, many people - relatives and friends paid their last respect. My siblings and inlaws were all present. My little niece seemed to understand what's happening.

May she rest in peace. May Allah the Almighty have mercy on her soul. Amin.

Al-Fatihah.

Our Uncle Passing

On May 9th, I woke up to the sound of someone knocking doors. I did not realize it was 12:04 a.m until later. I was asleep on the couch since early evening. I thought it was already morning and my sister, Mook, getting ready for work. So I asked her, "Kenapa, Mook?".

Came the reply "Ni Lin lah.. bangun lah, Pak Man collapsed".

(Now Pak Man is our Dad's brother. The one who's really close to our Dad. He was admitted to the Johor Specialist since Tuesday, due to having difficulty in breathing. It all started weeks ago, when he accidentally fell when playing badminton and injured his leg. He resided in KL, but when things did not improve, he came back to JB for further treatment. It turned out that the injury has caused some blood clots which entered his lungs, and eventually disturbed his breathing system. Hence, he was admitted to the Cardio Intensive Care Unit, CICU).

Then I went to her room and asked, "Bila ni? Nak pergi sekarang ke? Pukul berapa ni?"

"Baru kejap, Doctor call. Ni dah pukul dua belas lebih. Cepat la".

According to Lin, our Dad rushed to the hospital with Fahmy minutes ago. Thank God Fahmy and Lin just arrived from Singapore.

So the four of us, Mom, Lin, Faiz and myself sped off to the hospital. (During which time, the medical team pronounced Pak Man in critical condition and was performing all the CPRs and emergency procedures).

When we got there, my brother Firdaus was already there, sitting with Fahmy. We went inside and saw Pak Man lying motionless, with all the wires and equipment and what not. I asked Fahmy what the condition was and he told me that the doctors said nothing can be done...

Cik Ana (Pak Man's wife) and their eldest son Malikin arrived a short while later with Pak Nan (another brother of my Dad). Cik Ana hugged both Lin and me when she entered the CICU. Yes, she appeared to be cool and quiet. Not a single tear was in sight. But I just can't bear to look at them sitting beside Pak Man. Neither Cik Ana nor Malikin was crying, at least not openly, even though they were very, very, very close to Pak Man. In fact,all the children were very close to him.

You see, kalau kita tengok orang menangis dan bersedih at this time, that is expected, right? But to see people being so strong and holding on like that, lagilah buatkan I rasa sangat sedih dan terharu.. I mean, they could cry all the want, but they choose to be strong and dignified.. walaupun dalam keadaan sedih yang tak terhingga tu. Betul-betul respect dengan diaorang.

It really reminded me of the saying "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. ~ Martin Luther King Jr ".

After a while, I went out to sit with my siblings. The doctors were of the opinion that we should bring him home since nothing else can be done. At that time, Pak Man was still breathing.

But when I went inside a little while later, I found Mom, Cik Ana and Malikin sitting quietly together. Then Mom spoke one telephone to someone and was making arrangements to take the body to the mortuary.And that was the time when I realised that Pak Man has passed away. I must say, it was really a shock to all of us, since he was a sportsman, a healthy person and was not known to suffer from any disease.

Later, he was taken to our grandmother's house in Skudai for the last time, and then to Bangi, his final resting place.

Al-Fatihah to him. May Allah Bless His Soul. Amin.