WOUNDED

Today, I am deeply, seriously, critically WOUNDED. Like never before.

The news and realisation hit me like a KILLER WAVE. KILLER WAVE, yes. Like the strike of a lightning. Like the SLASH of a Jedi Lightsaber.

I am wounded. I am HURT!

For a moment I was stunned. Didn't know what to do. My mind went into a thousand directions. Felt like curling in bed hoping that I would fall asleep, felt like having a bath, felt like having lunch, felt like driving around the city to be alone. The best part - felt like crying but CAN'T - my life story. It is kind of a curse when you can't cry as the emotions are trapped and welled inside.

Bochee, Butter and Blossom was with me. As if they understood what's happening. They were silent.

I felt like HATING HIM FOR GOOD. Not difficult for me to do that, believe me. But, like before, something in me, something unusual, will say, DON'T DO THAT. Strange.

Then, I recall this particular meaning of an ayat in the Holy Quran.

O you who believe, seek help in steadfastness and prayer. Allah is with the steadfast. (Al-Baqarah:153).

And something in me said "What has gotten into you? Have you forgotten that He is All-Hearing, All-Seeing? Seek protection in Him, and have no fear or worry of nothing". And to this, I said Alhamdulillah and for a while I was upset. More like terharu, actually. Because of my silly behaviour.

Finally, I decided to take a shower. Water always have a calming effect and soothe me best. Afterwards, feeling a bit better, I went out of my room in search of Anis Farissa. She was in my Mom's room, so I took her downstairs and stayed with her for a while.

Perhaps it has something got to do with her name. Anis - Yang Menenangkan Hati, Farissa - Yang Setia. She was sitting with me loyally and quietly. Laughing and smiling and cooing, never crying. Soothing and comforting.

I told her "Kita cool, kan Nayniss. Apa orang buat kat kita, kita cool aje kan Nayniss. Different class, kan Nayniss". And she smiled as if in agreement. So I spent the afternoon in the company of Nayniss, still deeply hurt.

Later, driving around in the city with Mas, my sis, I confided to Mas about it. Mas said, "Listen to your heart and seek protection in Him. Insya Allah, He will guide you". She was very matured despite her age.

And by the time the sun set, we drove home, me with a resolution and decision.

I quote the Ayat 284-286 of Surah Al-Baqarah of the Holy Quran.

[284] To GOD belongs everything in the heavens and the earth. Whether you declare your innermost thoughts, or keep them hidden, GOD holds you responsible for them. He forgives whomever He wills, and punishes whomever He wills. GOD is Omnipotent.

[285] The messenger has believed in what was sent down to him from his Lord, and so did the believers. They believe in GOD, His angels, His scripture, and His messengers: "We make no distinction among any of His messengers." They say, "We hear, and we obey. Forgive us, our Lord. To You is the ultimate destiny."

[286] GOD never burdens a soul beyond its means: to its credit is what it earns, and against it is what it commits. "Our Lord, do not condemn us if we forget or make mistakes. Our Lord, and protect us from blaspheming against You, like those before us have done. Our Lord, protect us from sinning until it becomes too late for us to repent. Pardon us and forgive us. You are our Lord and Master. Grant us victory over the disbelieving people."